Putting Things In Perspective

You know.. I used to enjoy my hobbies. I liked to hunt and fish. I lived for the beginning of hunting season each year and for the crappie to start running on my favorite lakes. There was some land I wanted to buy and improve the habitat on for waterfowl hunting. Going to the races was something I looked forward to each year. But anymore my wants and desires are reduced to one main thing.

There is very little I would not do to have my kids back. I know that this was the goal of my ex. She never hesitated to use them as weapons against me regardless of any harm it might cause them. Even when we were still married, I had to deal with comments that she and her family would make to or about me in front of them. The only thing greater than the hurt I feel for losing my kids is the hatred and contemp I have for her and those that encouraged and supported her to do the things she has done. Most of them claim to be 'Christian'... kind of makes you wonder just what that word really means.

I look at my family, God fearing church going people. There is no one more kind and generous than my Father. And my mother... She is very kind and could not have a bad word to say about anyone. Even when they knew my ex's family was talking about them around town they just went about their business.

Then I look at my ex and her family and their self righteous way of living. Makes me sick. Bible thumping religious freaks is what they are. To them God and the bible are weapons for them to use to bludgeon those that think differently than they say they should. Not that think differently than they do because they dont live by the standards that they want to hold everyone else to. And these are the kind of people that are influencing my kids. God have mercy on them.

The Inevitable Happens

Sometimes I catch myself thinking maybe I should have tried harder to make the marriage work then I would still have my kids....... But then I remember what it was like being married to her and know that it was going to happen regardless of what I did. Its times like that that I know the words 'Mean People Suck' is more than just a catchy phrase.

Voice On The Other Side Of The Phone

One evening I received a phone call from my youngest son who was nine at the time. The conversation started out 'Dad, I need to tell you something.' To which I replied 'Ok buddy, what is it?'.

He then started telling me things like 'I dont love you anymore.', 'I dont want you to be my father anymore.'. I asked him what was wrong and he replied with his voice cracking and rising in pitch 'Nothing!' so I could tell he was obviously upset by something. Then I heard another voice whispering in the background. It was his mother and she was telling him what to say.

Finally at one point he said 'No mommy.' and I heard her say 'Say it!' as if through clenched teeth in a snarl. I had heard and seen that tone form her many times so I knew exactly what she had just done to him. Shortly after that comment the line went dead.

A few minutes later my phone rings again and I answer to hear her on the other end. 'What did you just say to him!? He is hysterical!'. As if I had not just heard what she was doing on that end of the line. This conversation didnt last very long because I told her that I had heard her talking to him.

I can never prove that she has done this unless by some miracle my children decide to stand up on their own. But as long as they have to go home to her control at night I know they will not.

I do miss them and continue to pray that someday I will have them back in my life. Unfortunately I know that will mean her being removed from their lives or them finally getting out on their own and starting to think for themselves.

Maybe someday.

Some Days Hurt More Than Others

Do you ever miss someone so badly that some days it gets difficult to breath?

I know school is about to start and I would like nothing else than to tell them good luck with the new year. My sons are starting new schools this year. One to high school the other to a private school of his mother and her husbands choosing. Calling would only put them into turmoil because of the emotional beating they would take from her. She would see my contact with them as a threat and it would just start a new campaign on her part to make sure they didnt have second thoughts on not seeing me.

Some days its harder to deal with missing them than others.....