Today hurts more than most

April 23rd. My oldest boy turns 17 today.

I miss them all so much every day but today for whatever reason just hurts more than the other days since I lost them.

I was awake most of the night remembering. Remembering how proud I was the day he was born. I finally had a son and could not have been happier with that blessing. Remembered when he was a baby just starting to pull up on furniture and how he always had a smile on his face at each new accomplishment. I remembered his first steps and his first word. I even recalled exactly where we were when he said his sisters name for the first time. The first time he found a bee in the yard while out playing. He picked it up and it stung his little hand and how his lower lip quivered but he didnt cry. He kept on playing but had learned his lesson about bees. He was such a kind, gentle person. Always concerned for other people and wanting to help them with their problems. As I lie in my bed last night I recalled his first t-ball game and how proud I was as his coach but even more so as his father.

I remember his first fish to catch. He was using one of those little disney fishing poles. I would cast the line out for him and he would stand there on the shore waiting for a bite. All the times previously he would reel it in after a few minutes and the bait would be gone so I'd put another worm on the hook and cast it back out. Then I saw him grab the handle with both hands because 'something' had tried to pull his pole away from him. I watched as he determinedly held on to his pole and reeled in this monster. He beamed as he held up his catch, a bass of no more than 6 inches long but it was a giant to him and I was proud along with him.

I love you, my son. I wish for you a very happy birthday and hope that somewhere in your day you might think of me and know that I love you.

Happy Birthday, Son.

Love, Dad.

Happy Birthday

Today is my youngest son's birthday. I have to wonder if he got the card I sent or if he did did it wind up in the trash?

I debate with myself every year on whether to send him one or not. If he gets it and thinks about contacting me I know that will put him in a tough spot with his mother. But if I dont send one then he'll think that I didnt remember. How could I forget? I think of him every minute of every day.

Then there's the dilemma of what to write in the card. Do I end it with 'love, Dad'? Or just leave it with a simple 'happy birthday' type line. I know from past experience that using 'Dad' in correspondence threatens my ex's idea that she replaced me with her new husband. They dont call him 'dad' but she wants them to consider him as their dad and not me.

So anyway..

Happy Birthday, Son.

Love, Dad.

I dont get it

I pay child support for 2 children equal to 25% of my income. Add to that insurance that I provide and any additional costs such as copays and deductables for a total of easily 40% and some months more of my monthly income. I do not have an issue with paying any of that because they are my children and whether or not I ever get to see them I still love them and want to provide as best I can for them. I would do without food myself before I would not make sure that they had something they needed. Yet I do not see my children because of the actions of my malicious child alienating succubus of an ex wife.

I work with a woman who's ex refuses to pay the measly sum he is required to pay for his 2 small (less than 4 years old) children. She is in her office today upset because she is having trouble paying rent and putting food on the table and had just had a phone conversation with her ex and he has quit his job again to keep from having his support taken out of his pay. Yet she is forbidden by the courts from refusing him access to his children even though he hasnt paid and will probably continue not to.

Our family law system in this country is so completely and thoroughly broken with this rediculous one size fits all mentality that on the one hand my ex can get away with what she has. And then on the other my friends ex can continue to flaunt his non payment and threaten her with jail if she refuses him his time with the children that he will not support.

The problem seems so complex that there can never be a solution to it. But with examples such as the ones above, there has got to be. But it is going to have to come from people smarter than me. Because apparently common sense isnt allowed anywhere near the process.

The Tax Man Cometh...So what?

There was once a time when the only thing I had to worry about in the month of April was whether I was going to pay or get money back with taxes this year. In recent years that worry just doesnt matter so much.

April has come again and with it brings a renewed since of frustration and hurt over the loss of my children. It's now been 3 years since I had any meaningful contact with them. One would think that as time goes on it would be less and less an impact on my life but that just isnt the case.

I have to pray daily to forgive my ex for what she has done to my children. I do this because someday I am going to stand before God and he will judge me and forgive me of my sins in no small part based on how I forgave others that sinned against me. So how can I expect to be forgiven if I do not forgive? How is it possible to forgive someone for something that they continue to do daily to you?

There are days that I feel some comfort in my prayers that God is hearing me and easing the pain and frustration that I feel. Then there are the days that I cannot get past the egregious wrong that was and is continuing to be done to my children and me. Words like malicious, spiteful and vindictive dont come close to describing my ex's actions or the intent with which they were committed.

Everyone has their personal evils that they have to deal with in life. My ex wife's actions in destroying the relationship with my children is mine.