Desperate, Sneaky or....

Stopped by my daughters place of employment today.

The thought I had at the time was to see if we could talk and try to put the past behind us and make a new start. She wasnt there though so it didnt happen. She is the only one of my three children that I have had any contact with over the last 18 months. Mainly because she is 21 and out on her own .. sort of.. being away at college nine months a year. She is not under her mothers constant control when she is away at school so I gave her a little credit for being able to think for herself. I may have been wrong.

I had talked with and seen her a few times since the week between Christmas and New Years this past year. Before that it had been several months since we had even talked. She called me out of the blue one night to ask if I would meet her for dinner somewhere. Of course I said yes. The purpose of the visit was to announce to me her engagement to her boyfriend of several years.

A little history about my daughter and myself. Prior to that phone call it had been 9 months since our last 'conversation'. I put that in quotes because it was more of her screaming profanities at me while telling me never to call her again. The reason for the phone call was that I had just asked, for the third time, if I could start getting my weekends with my sons. This request was immediately met with hostility from my ex. The phone call from my daughter came later that evening when she got home and heard, probably from her mother and in the manner in which she chose to tell it that I was trying again to get my time with them.

The conversation began with 'Are you out of your F****** mind!' And went downhill from there. So once the screaming was done she hung up and had not spoken to me since. Until that night in late December. Well, I was happy for her but a little bit leery of her motives at the time since the last time we talked she had told me in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see me again. My suspicions would prove warranted over the next few weeks.

Apparently her car was having troubles and she was in the market for a new one with my help of course....... Meaning, 'Dad, can I have some money?'. Only the question was never out right asked. More like a lot of very not so subtle hints that she could use some help. Help which I had no intention of giving until we had cleared the air of the last four years. So when I was unresponsive to her hints she turned to my parents. Under the guise of spending time with the grandparents, she went down to their house for the first time since her mother and I seperated. Looking back on that weekend it is apparent that what she wanted was a place to stay while her fiance and she went to a friends wedding nearby. Staying with my parents would mean them not having to put out the money of a hotel. And she could then drop hints about being able to afford a car or insurance while still in school.

I had discussed the possibility of this with them before she went down there so they were ready when she got there to open their house to their granddaughter and her fiance but had no intention of giving money. They would have loved nothing more than to take her out and buy her a new car of her choice but after the way all three of my children acted towards them over the last four years there was no chance of it.

The visit went well with plenty of talk of the weather and other small talk type subjects and of course the 'I would really like something a bit newer but just cant afford it right now' type comments. Just as expected. Once she left Sunday she has not returned any of their calls and has made no attempt to contact me.

The reason I tried to contact her at her work is to avoid having her be near her mother when I call. I know she is watched when talking to me as were my sons when they still would. I would call and she or the woman she was living with would stand in the doorway and glare, making any conversation with me an uncomfortable affair. And when the conversation was over they would be interrogated on every comment and topic covered. My thinking is that if I can catch her without any premeditation that we could have an honest conversation about things and possibly get some answers and resolve some of the bitterness of the last four years.

I will keep trying over the next few weeks before she heads back to school.

It Is Simple Really. No See = No Pay

If a father has no history of abuse and is not a danger to the children then there should be no reason for him not to see his children. So the concept of 'No See No Pay' should apply to childsupport and noncustodial visitation. Maybe if getting their money was contingent on the father getting to see his children there would be far fewer malicious mothers brainwashing children against their fathers.

There are cases that it is in the child's best interest to be away from an abusive father. I am not talking about that. But as it stands now there is absolutely no incentive for a divorced mother to encourage children to see their father. This opens the door for the exwife with a predisposition to be malicious and vindictive to begin talking down the father to his children. And unless the father has almost unlimited financial resources to hire attorneys and pay court costs he is going to lose his children to this type of behavior.

Confronting a mother that is guilty of this will only lead to further escalation of the problem since if she was capable of rational thought and talking out issues chances are good that either she would never have started the behavior or the family may not have even broken up in the first place. But that is just from my personal experience with this phenomenon known as P.A.S.

Stolen.

Once upon a time I was a father. I had three children that I loved more than life itself.

Then their mother and I decided that our marriage was at an end. Little did I know that to her this also meant that my being a father was at an end as well.

I miss my children and hold on to a hope that some day they will decide to give me a chance and deal with me using their own minds and interests instead of the thoughts and actions that are approved by their mother.