Hope dies

When a person has had to deal with the malice and bitter angry hatred that I have over the last few years you eventually come to a place where you have to say, enough. I have reached that point.

When I received the invitation to my daughter’s college graduation I had mixed emotions. First, I was proud for her because of her accomplishment and then I was hurt and angry that because of the malice and hate of my ex I had missed yet another chapter in one of my children’s lives.

I wanted to contact my daughter and tell her I was proud of her and that her grandparents and I were excited about seeing her receive her diploma. Since she had changed her phone number a while back and would not give me the new one I had no choice but to email her. The emails that resulted started out pleasant enough and I have included them here to help paint the picture of what brings me to where I am now.

My first email follows and I have changed her name to ‘daughter’:

Daughter,

Got your invitation to graduation, thank you.

I am truly proud for you and bet you are excited about this
time finally getting here after all your hard work.

That day is going to be all about you and your accomplishment and I don’t want in any way to take away from that so I have to ask. If my being there is going to detract from your day I will
understand if you'd rather I not be there but please let me know. Otherwise, your grandparents and I are looking forward to coming to the ceremony on the 12th.

Enjoy your last few days of college, because you've earned it.

I am proud for you.

Dad

This was sent with all sincerity because it had to be her decision whether I was there or not since I knew my ex would feel very threatened once she found out that my parents and I would be there. I received the following response:

Hello! I hope this email finds you and your family doing well.

First of all I want to say “Thank You” for emailing me and asking how I feel about this. I appreciate that respect, and in turn I want to be respectful of you, so I am going to be very frank with you and leave the ball in your court.

I want you to know that I am very emotional about this; I am an emotional person to begin with as you well know and when extra sensitive matters arise I am an emotional whirl-wind. I want you to know that when I read your email I was very upset about the decision that was placed before me and I am not taking this lightly. It is a big deal to me and to you.

I hate that I am in this position because I do not want to hurt anyone. I do not want you to miss out on something you would like to be a part of and I do not want you to think that I do not want you here because I am harboring animosity towards you because that is not the case. On the other hand I do not want to be the jerk that tells you to come and then snubs you.

To be frank with you I am not sure how I would handle myself that weekend. I’m not going to pretend that we have not had a tumultuous relationship and that that weekend would be a happy family reunion because we all know that it wouldn’t, it will be awkward for everyone, though awkwardness can be overcome. I am not only worried about my emotional well-being but the boys and everyone else involved, you included. I want to be fair to everyone and have everyone get what they want but unfortunately that is unachievable.

I am worried that if you come you will feel ousted and uncomfortable and I do not want to be disrespectful and neglectful of you if you are making the effort to be a part of this exciting event in my life. I do not want to be unfair to you so I want to paint a clear picture for you of what that weekend will look like so that there are no surprises or unmet expectations.

Graduation in itself is a time-consuming, chaotic event. Add to that my duties as an RA that will commence only a few hours before the ceremony on Saturday. I am also hosting a good bit of family and friends that weekend with what limited free time I have left, and to top it all of I have physical stress as well as emotional due to the fact that I have a broken foot. With all of that said, I do not want you to have the expectation that you will receive the attention you would expect and deserve from me, much less my undivided attention. Bottom line, I am afraid that I have nothing to offer you and Memaw and Papa that weekend. I am afraid that you will put in much more effort that I can that weekend.

Please do not hear me saying that your presence would detract from my day, because it wouldn’t. I am saying that I fear you will be disappointed and hurt and that I can not give you what you want that weekend. With all of that said, I am putting the ball in your court. If you still want to come knowing that I have nothing to give, you are more than welcome. I am not going to tell you that you can not come and sit in the Coliseum and watch me receive my degree, but I am afraid that will be the highlight of your visit.

Please let me know either way what you all decide to do and know that I am okay with whatever your decision may be. I am happy that you even wanted to be a part of this to begin with.

Talk to you soon,

Daughter

So… After reading her response I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to react. From my view I was being told that I could come if I wanted but just stay out of the way. Ok, I could understand that and would be content with pictures of her crossing the stage to maybe break out someday and we could talk about them together. But I took a day or so to think and make sure I wasn’t reading too much into her response. So a couple days later I get this:

Hey,

Not sure if you recieved my email, just wondered what your
plans were this weekend so that I could prepare myself
accordingly. Please let me know.

Still considering my response I finally composed this:

Daughter,

If possible please take this at face value because I mean what I am going to say.

There is really nothing to prepare for. I understand the position you are in and do not want to cause you any stress above what you will already have throughout the weekend. I asked what I did because you sent the invitation when quite honestly I did not expect to get one. I was not trying to cause any problems and have no expectations of you because like I said, it is about you and no one else.

Don’t make or change any of your plans to accommodate me, that was never my intent. If you would rather I not be there so you don’t have to worry about it just let me know and I will
understand, seriously. Enjoy the time with your family and friends. Please don’t feel any pressure from here because there is none.

Have fun this weekend. I am proud for you.

I meant that with all sincerity. I did not want to put any pressure on her or take away from her time in the limelight. I tried to convey that as honestly as possible and still show that I was interested in attending. It was not very long before I got a response from her. My guess is that her mother weighed in with her ‘opinion’ on the matter, effectively ending any chance I might have had of attending the graduation without some sort of confrontation.

This is what she sent.

I think it would be wise if neither you nor any of your family were here this weekend, I would appreciate it if you would pass the message on to your parents as well. I refuse to surround myself with people who choose not to live in the real world. Just so there is not any confusion, you are out of your league in your advocacy of parental-alienation, you aren't a victim and I find it sick and pathetic not to mention dellusional that you believe you are. I would know a little about this seeing as I have just earned a degree in the field of Family Studies and Psychology. Maybe you should do a little research into "child abandonment" and "absent dead-beat fathers", it might give you a little insight into the real world that you left so long ago.

I sat there after reading this with that same ol' feeling of being kicked in the gut yet again after making an honest attempt with one of my children. This was so completely indicative of the other times when I was trying to contact them and get some time with them. So we were back to the same old bitter hate that I had been dealing with all these years. Nice to see some things never change. Words like abandon and dead beat. All of the catch phrases my ex used from the very beginning of her war on me and to cut my children from my life.

What follows is the last communication I will ever have with the woman formerly known as my daughter. I could and did forgive the profanity and vulgar attacks on me and my family from her over the years because I knew it was inspired by her mother. I forgave the pressure she put on my sons to push them to the decision to not have any contact with me because again, I assumed it was at her mother's bidding. I turned a blind eye to the times she came to me acting sickeningly sweet when it was obvious she was there only for money and couldnt give a care one about me as her father. Just like I saw her mother do to her own father many times over the years. But all that was when she was a child living under her mother’s ‘protection’ and custody. Now she was supposed to be a grown woman able to make decisions on her own. Apparently not.

No confusion here and certainly no delusion.

I would hope someone with your background and education would know something about P.A.S. and H.A.P. Or does encouraging younger siblings to make prank phone calls and spouting vulgar
phone tirades while they listen not fall under that disease? Not to mention a great many things that you may or may not have been aware of. Until now I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you did not. Perhaps I was mistaken.

There is a lot you dont know and obviously are not ready to.

Good luck to you as you begin life here in the real world. You're gonna need it.

I have heard of people that have come to this point when dealing with loved ones but could never quite figure out how they could actually say it and mean it. Well, I am here and now understand what brings them to do this. And I say this with all sincerity and with full knowledge of what it means for now and all time.

She is dead to me.