Why Do I Even Bother?

So I am pretty sure I have been played for a fool, yet again.

Contacted my daughter just to say 'Hi' and see if there was anything in particular she wanted or needed for her birthday. Got a pretty quick response and so I complied with her request and sent the card with the appropriate gift card enclosed.

Thought I would give her a call on her birthday and tell her I hope she had a good day. Number wasnt hers anymore. Wonder when she changed it?

So now I have no means of contacting any of my children. My sons email accounts were deleted several months ago and the home phone where they live was changed as well. The emails werent really a reliable method of communication anyway since their mother read them all first and made changes as she saw fit. She didnt even give them the password so they could not check it and find something before it went through her censorship process.

I will never regret the birth of my children, but damn. I will go to my grave regretting the day I met their mother. Why couldnt I of stayed home that day or gone someplace else? I dont usually dwell on 'what ifs' but this is one I think about often lately. What if I had married a normal sane single personality person? What if I had heeded the warning signs that others tried to warn me about? What if I had taken the preacher up on that last minute 'You dont have to go through with this, son. I will go out and stop it now if you want." as we were about to walk out in front of the guests for the ceremony? What if I had stayed separated from her in '87 when we were apart and just divorced her then?

So many chances along the way for me to stop the bleeding before it got to where it is today.

Is it possible for grief and despair to drive someone insane? I fear I may be going there.