Why Do I Even Bother?
So I am pretty sure I have been played for a fool, yet again.
Contacted my daughter just to say 'Hi' and see if there was anything in particular she wanted or needed for her birthday. Got a pretty quick response and so I complied with her request and sent the card with the appropriate gift card enclosed.
Thought I would give her a call on her birthday and tell her I hope she had a good day. Number wasnt hers anymore. Wonder when she changed it?
So now I have no means of contacting any of my children. My sons email accounts were deleted several months ago and the home phone where they live was changed as well. The emails werent really a reliable method of communication anyway since their mother read them all first and made changes as she saw fit. She didnt even give them the password so they could not check it and find something before it went through her censorship process.
I will never regret the birth of my children, but damn. I will go to my grave regretting the day I met their mother. Why couldnt I of stayed home that day or gone someplace else? I dont usually dwell on 'what ifs' but this is one I think about often lately. What if I had married a normal sane single personality person? What if I had heeded the warning signs that others tried to warn me about? What if I had taken the preacher up on that last minute 'You dont have to go through with this, son. I will go out and stop it now if you want." as we were about to walk out in front of the guests for the ceremony? What if I had stayed separated from her in '87 when we were apart and just divorced her then?
So many chances along the way for me to stop the bleeding before it got to where it is today.
Is it possible for grief and despair to drive someone insane? I fear I may be going there.
Contacted my daughter just to say 'Hi' and see if there was anything in particular she wanted or needed for her birthday. Got a pretty quick response and so I complied with her request and sent the card with the appropriate gift card enclosed.
Thought I would give her a call on her birthday and tell her I hope she had a good day. Number wasnt hers anymore. Wonder when she changed it?
So now I have no means of contacting any of my children. My sons email accounts were deleted several months ago and the home phone where they live was changed as well. The emails werent really a reliable method of communication anyway since their mother read them all first and made changes as she saw fit. She didnt even give them the password so they could not check it and find something before it went through her censorship process.
I will never regret the birth of my children, but damn. I will go to my grave regretting the day I met their mother. Why couldnt I of stayed home that day or gone someplace else? I dont usually dwell on 'what ifs' but this is one I think about often lately. What if I had married a normal sane single personality person? What if I had heeded the warning signs that others tried to warn me about? What if I had taken the preacher up on that last minute 'You dont have to go through with this, son. I will go out and stop it now if you want." as we were about to walk out in front of the guests for the ceremony? What if I had stayed separated from her in '87 when we were apart and just divorced her then?
So many chances along the way for me to stop the bleeding before it got to where it is today.
Is it possible for grief and despair to drive someone insane? I fear I may be going there.
posted by Lost Dad at 10:53 AM
3 Comments:
I can sense your pain. You know though, you did love your childrens mother at one time. Enough to ask her to marry you.
And have darling kids with her.
Ask yourself--What was it that made you love her in the first place? Maybe this is the very same thing that upsets you now. It comes down to a matter of our own thoughts and behaviors then, doesnt it? We can only control ourselves. Be patient and kind. All the best to you kind father.
Interesting. Thank you for the comment.
The woman I divorced was not the same one that I married eighteen years earlier. Far from it. She wasnt bi-polar when we married. She is now. And she called the doctors that diagnosed her as such 'quacks'. If I had thought her capable of the things she did in the later years I would not have married her in the first place.
How can you know that someone is going to run up tens of thousands of dollars in debt and not tell you about it? How can you know that someone is going to cash those preapproved loan checks that those credit companies send out? How can you know that someone is going to spread rumors and say some pretty bad things about your family to other people while at the same time saying to their faces that she thought they were the kindest people she has ever known.. oh and may I borrow $10,000 to cover some debt?.. How is a person supposed to know that someone is capable of things like this? You cant.
In hindsight sure.. but not ahead of time.
You are a good dad, and a patient man. What worthy qualities. I hope you can find a woman that can appreciate what you can offer her. It is not too late to look forward.
I wish joy for YOU!
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