Hope dies

When a person has had to deal with the malice and bitter angry hatred that I have over the last few years you eventually come to a place where you have to say, enough. I have reached that point.

When I received the invitation to my daughter’s college graduation I had mixed emotions. First, I was proud for her because of her accomplishment and then I was hurt and angry that because of the malice and hate of my ex I had missed yet another chapter in one of my children’s lives.

I wanted to contact my daughter and tell her I was proud of her and that her grandparents and I were excited about seeing her receive her diploma. Since she had changed her phone number a while back and would not give me the new one I had no choice but to email her. The emails that resulted started out pleasant enough and I have included them here to help paint the picture of what brings me to where I am now.

My first email follows and I have changed her name to ‘daughter’:

Daughter,

Got your invitation to graduation, thank you.

I am truly proud for you and bet you are excited about this
time finally getting here after all your hard work.

That day is going to be all about you and your accomplishment and I don’t want in any way to take away from that so I have to ask. If my being there is going to detract from your day I will
understand if you'd rather I not be there but please let me know. Otherwise, your grandparents and I are looking forward to coming to the ceremony on the 12th.

Enjoy your last few days of college, because you've earned it.

I am proud for you.

Dad

This was sent with all sincerity because it had to be her decision whether I was there or not since I knew my ex would feel very threatened once she found out that my parents and I would be there. I received the following response:

Hello! I hope this email finds you and your family doing well.

First of all I want to say “Thank You” for emailing me and asking how I feel about this. I appreciate that respect, and in turn I want to be respectful of you, so I am going to be very frank with you and leave the ball in your court.

I want you to know that I am very emotional about this; I am an emotional person to begin with as you well know and when extra sensitive matters arise I am an emotional whirl-wind. I want you to know that when I read your email I was very upset about the decision that was placed before me and I am not taking this lightly. It is a big deal to me and to you.

I hate that I am in this position because I do not want to hurt anyone. I do not want you to miss out on something you would like to be a part of and I do not want you to think that I do not want you here because I am harboring animosity towards you because that is not the case. On the other hand I do not want to be the jerk that tells you to come and then snubs you.

To be frank with you I am not sure how I would handle myself that weekend. I’m not going to pretend that we have not had a tumultuous relationship and that that weekend would be a happy family reunion because we all know that it wouldn’t, it will be awkward for everyone, though awkwardness can be overcome. I am not only worried about my emotional well-being but the boys and everyone else involved, you included. I want to be fair to everyone and have everyone get what they want but unfortunately that is unachievable.

I am worried that if you come you will feel ousted and uncomfortable and I do not want to be disrespectful and neglectful of you if you are making the effort to be a part of this exciting event in my life. I do not want to be unfair to you so I want to paint a clear picture for you of what that weekend will look like so that there are no surprises or unmet expectations.

Graduation in itself is a time-consuming, chaotic event. Add to that my duties as an RA that will commence only a few hours before the ceremony on Saturday. I am also hosting a good bit of family and friends that weekend with what limited free time I have left, and to top it all of I have physical stress as well as emotional due to the fact that I have a broken foot. With all of that said, I do not want you to have the expectation that you will receive the attention you would expect and deserve from me, much less my undivided attention. Bottom line, I am afraid that I have nothing to offer you and Memaw and Papa that weekend. I am afraid that you will put in much more effort that I can that weekend.

Please do not hear me saying that your presence would detract from my day, because it wouldn’t. I am saying that I fear you will be disappointed and hurt and that I can not give you what you want that weekend. With all of that said, I am putting the ball in your court. If you still want to come knowing that I have nothing to give, you are more than welcome. I am not going to tell you that you can not come and sit in the Coliseum and watch me receive my degree, but I am afraid that will be the highlight of your visit.

Please let me know either way what you all decide to do and know that I am okay with whatever your decision may be. I am happy that you even wanted to be a part of this to begin with.

Talk to you soon,

Daughter

So… After reading her response I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to react. From my view I was being told that I could come if I wanted but just stay out of the way. Ok, I could understand that and would be content with pictures of her crossing the stage to maybe break out someday and we could talk about them together. But I took a day or so to think and make sure I wasn’t reading too much into her response. So a couple days later I get this:

Hey,

Not sure if you recieved my email, just wondered what your
plans were this weekend so that I could prepare myself
accordingly. Please let me know.

Still considering my response I finally composed this:

Daughter,

If possible please take this at face value because I mean what I am going to say.

There is really nothing to prepare for. I understand the position you are in and do not want to cause you any stress above what you will already have throughout the weekend. I asked what I did because you sent the invitation when quite honestly I did not expect to get one. I was not trying to cause any problems and have no expectations of you because like I said, it is about you and no one else.

Don’t make or change any of your plans to accommodate me, that was never my intent. If you would rather I not be there so you don’t have to worry about it just let me know and I will
understand, seriously. Enjoy the time with your family and friends. Please don’t feel any pressure from here because there is none.

Have fun this weekend. I am proud for you.

I meant that with all sincerity. I did not want to put any pressure on her or take away from her time in the limelight. I tried to convey that as honestly as possible and still show that I was interested in attending. It was not very long before I got a response from her. My guess is that her mother weighed in with her ‘opinion’ on the matter, effectively ending any chance I might have had of attending the graduation without some sort of confrontation.

This is what she sent.

I think it would be wise if neither you nor any of your family were here this weekend, I would appreciate it if you would pass the message on to your parents as well. I refuse to surround myself with people who choose not to live in the real world. Just so there is not any confusion, you are out of your league in your advocacy of parental-alienation, you aren't a victim and I find it sick and pathetic not to mention dellusional that you believe you are. I would know a little about this seeing as I have just earned a degree in the field of Family Studies and Psychology. Maybe you should do a little research into "child abandonment" and "absent dead-beat fathers", it might give you a little insight into the real world that you left so long ago.

I sat there after reading this with that same ol' feeling of being kicked in the gut yet again after making an honest attempt with one of my children. This was so completely indicative of the other times when I was trying to contact them and get some time with them. So we were back to the same old bitter hate that I had been dealing with all these years. Nice to see some things never change. Words like abandon and dead beat. All of the catch phrases my ex used from the very beginning of her war on me and to cut my children from my life.

What follows is the last communication I will ever have with the woman formerly known as my daughter. I could and did forgive the profanity and vulgar attacks on me and my family from her over the years because I knew it was inspired by her mother. I forgave the pressure she put on my sons to push them to the decision to not have any contact with me because again, I assumed it was at her mother's bidding. I turned a blind eye to the times she came to me acting sickeningly sweet when it was obvious she was there only for money and couldnt give a care one about me as her father. Just like I saw her mother do to her own father many times over the years. But all that was when she was a child living under her mother’s ‘protection’ and custody. Now she was supposed to be a grown woman able to make decisions on her own. Apparently not.

No confusion here and certainly no delusion.

I would hope someone with your background and education would know something about P.A.S. and H.A.P. Or does encouraging younger siblings to make prank phone calls and spouting vulgar
phone tirades while they listen not fall under that disease? Not to mention a great many things that you may or may not have been aware of. Until now I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you did not. Perhaps I was mistaken.

There is a lot you dont know and obviously are not ready to.

Good luck to you as you begin life here in the real world. You're gonna need it.

I have heard of people that have come to this point when dealing with loved ones but could never quite figure out how they could actually say it and mean it. Well, I am here and now understand what brings them to do this. And I say this with all sincerity and with full knowledge of what it means for now and all time.

She is dead to me.

Victim, Perpetrator, Family Counselor?

I have a 23 year old daughter. I wish I could say that she is a daddy’s girl but that would be an outright fabrication on my part. It cannot be said that I don’t love my daughter but at the same time it also cannot be said that I like her much as a person. You see, she was very much a factor in the destruction of my relationship with my two sons. She was 15 and 16 during the time of the separation and divorce of her mother and me and a very willing accomplice in my ex’s war that was waged on my sons’ father and grandparent’s relationships.

My daughter was vulgar and disrespectful towards and about me in regards to my sons and her influence went a long way towards their eventual decision to have no contact with me. I have no doubt that a lot of it was at the urging of her mother and friends/family but I cannot believe that she wasn’t old enough to know what she was doing.

There were the profanity laced phone calls to me in the presence of her brothers, parroting her mothers lies and false accusations about me and the ‘real’ reasons the divorce was happening. For several months I was receiving prank phone calls at all hours of the night where either there was several seconds of silence on the line when I answered or foul language before the hang up. The caller would use the *67 option so that a number did not appear in caller id. After this had been happening for a while I finally called the police and asked if there was something that could be done, and there was. The police began the process to trace the calls. One night after I received another call I immediately called my ex and told her that I had contacted the police about the calls I was getting and I just wanted to let her know ‘just in case’ there was anything she knew about them. It was not 10 minutes later that she called me back to say that she was sorry but she did not know the kids were doing that… yeah right. And asked if I was still going to the police with it. Of course I wasn’t going to press charges against my own children, but after that incident the calls stopped. I later found out that my ex had walked back to my daughter’s room and found her and my oldest son in the room planning their next call.

In more recent years I have received emails and letters from her either demanding money to help with school bills or help buying a car. None of which I complied with. Despite the manner in which she asked I still feel guilty for not helping her. Part of the reasons I did not help were her attitude towards me and the way she asked. But not a small consideration in it was also paying as much as I was and still am to her mother took away from my ability to provide anything above and beyond that.

All of this brings us to her college graduation in the next couple weeks. I am proud of her for this accomplishment because I know she has done it all on her own without the help of wealthy parents or trust funds like some have. She has worked her way through school and was able to acquire student loans to fill the gap. What is her degree in you ask? Family Counselling of all things. She will endeavor to counsel families going through many problems including divorce. I find that not a small bit ironic. I wonder how she will feel about her graduation gift from me.. several books on Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting. My sincere wish is that she read them and learn how to recognize and help repair the damage that these vile diseases cause. But I also hope she sees them as a history book on what was done to and by her not so many years ago.

Today hurts more than most

April 23rd. My oldest boy turns 17 today.

I miss them all so much every day but today for whatever reason just hurts more than the other days since I lost them.

I was awake most of the night remembering. Remembering how proud I was the day he was born. I finally had a son and could not have been happier with that blessing. Remembered when he was a baby just starting to pull up on furniture and how he always had a smile on his face at each new accomplishment. I remembered his first steps and his first word. I even recalled exactly where we were when he said his sisters name for the first time. The first time he found a bee in the yard while out playing. He picked it up and it stung his little hand and how his lower lip quivered but he didnt cry. He kept on playing but had learned his lesson about bees. He was such a kind, gentle person. Always concerned for other people and wanting to help them with their problems. As I lie in my bed last night I recalled his first t-ball game and how proud I was as his coach but even more so as his father.

I remember his first fish to catch. He was using one of those little disney fishing poles. I would cast the line out for him and he would stand there on the shore waiting for a bite. All the times previously he would reel it in after a few minutes and the bait would be gone so I'd put another worm on the hook and cast it back out. Then I saw him grab the handle with both hands because 'something' had tried to pull his pole away from him. I watched as he determinedly held on to his pole and reeled in this monster. He beamed as he held up his catch, a bass of no more than 6 inches long but it was a giant to him and I was proud along with him.

I love you, my son. I wish for you a very happy birthday and hope that somewhere in your day you might think of me and know that I love you.

Happy Birthday, Son.

Love, Dad.

Happy Birthday

Today is my youngest son's birthday. I have to wonder if he got the card I sent or if he did did it wind up in the trash?

I debate with myself every year on whether to send him one or not. If he gets it and thinks about contacting me I know that will put him in a tough spot with his mother. But if I dont send one then he'll think that I didnt remember. How could I forget? I think of him every minute of every day.

Then there's the dilemma of what to write in the card. Do I end it with 'love, Dad'? Or just leave it with a simple 'happy birthday' type line. I know from past experience that using 'Dad' in correspondence threatens my ex's idea that she replaced me with her new husband. They dont call him 'dad' but she wants them to consider him as their dad and not me.

So anyway..

Happy Birthday, Son.

Love, Dad.

I dont get it

I pay child support for 2 children equal to 25% of my income. Add to that insurance that I provide and any additional costs such as copays and deductables for a total of easily 40% and some months more of my monthly income. I do not have an issue with paying any of that because they are my children and whether or not I ever get to see them I still love them and want to provide as best I can for them. I would do without food myself before I would not make sure that they had something they needed. Yet I do not see my children because of the actions of my malicious child alienating succubus of an ex wife.

I work with a woman who's ex refuses to pay the measly sum he is required to pay for his 2 small (less than 4 years old) children. She is in her office today upset because she is having trouble paying rent and putting food on the table and had just had a phone conversation with her ex and he has quit his job again to keep from having his support taken out of his pay. Yet she is forbidden by the courts from refusing him access to his children even though he hasnt paid and will probably continue not to.

Our family law system in this country is so completely and thoroughly broken with this rediculous one size fits all mentality that on the one hand my ex can get away with what she has. And then on the other my friends ex can continue to flaunt his non payment and threaten her with jail if she refuses him his time with the children that he will not support.

The problem seems so complex that there can never be a solution to it. But with examples such as the ones above, there has got to be. But it is going to have to come from people smarter than me. Because apparently common sense isnt allowed anywhere near the process.

The Tax Man Cometh...So what?

There was once a time when the only thing I had to worry about in the month of April was whether I was going to pay or get money back with taxes this year. In recent years that worry just doesnt matter so much.

April has come again and with it brings a renewed since of frustration and hurt over the loss of my children. It's now been 3 years since I had any meaningful contact with them. One would think that as time goes on it would be less and less an impact on my life but that just isnt the case.

I have to pray daily to forgive my ex for what she has done to my children. I do this because someday I am going to stand before God and he will judge me and forgive me of my sins in no small part based on how I forgave others that sinned against me. So how can I expect to be forgiven if I do not forgive? How is it possible to forgive someone for something that they continue to do daily to you?

There are days that I feel some comfort in my prayers that God is hearing me and easing the pain and frustration that I feel. Then there are the days that I cannot get past the egregious wrong that was and is continuing to be done to my children and me. Words like malicious, spiteful and vindictive dont come close to describing my ex's actions or the intent with which they were committed.

Everyone has their personal evils that they have to deal with in life. My ex wife's actions in destroying the relationship with my children is mine.

A must see about P.A.S.

Thanks to Louise for this video on P.A.S.

What's good for the goose...

If a man can be labeled a deadbeat dad on baseless charges and we can have our parental rights trampled by a malicious mother/ex then maybe it's time the women perpetrating these crimes against fathers were brought into the light as well.

Although I do have to add that it's not just mothers doing the alienating and it's not just fathers not paying support.

http://www.malevolentmoms.info/ is off to a good start.